By: Olivia Bergeron
As New Yorkers, we want the best. We push ourselves to the limit to be the best and expect nothing less from our city: the best restaurants, the best in design and art, the best in journalism, the best shopping. And of course, as parents, that’s doubly the case when it comes to ourselves. We put an awful lot of pressure on ourselves to conform to an impossible standard of perfection. We want to be the best parents, all the time. And yet we keep falling short. Why? Because it’s just not possible. As a therapist, I see many patients who are extremely anxious about attaining this level of perfection. They are used to being in control of a situation, of being able to manipulate outcomes if only they try hard enough. Work harder and you’ll succeed. It’s what we came to New York to do, right?
But parenting is a whole other ballgame. Babies, in particular, have their own agendas and don’t take kindly to parents trying to control their schedules. Young children are also not the greatest at making themselves flexible to suit our needs. So it can come as quite a shock to the masters and mistresses of the universe once a child enters the picture. We no longer feel we are the masters of our time, our space, our finances, our bodies. And in many ways we aren’t. Someone else’s needs start to dictate our lives, and that can be experienced as a loss. Parents can feel extremely guilty about having ambivalent feelings, particularly when the expectation is that we will feel overjoyed at the arrival of a child. So some parents will compensate for these feelings by putting more pressure on themselves to be perfect. Unfortunately, this creates a cycle whereby parents can feel frustrated and even angry because no matter what they do, they’ll never live up.
Karen Kleiman, a fellow therapist, described this as akin to trying to get a hold of a slippery water balloon. The more you want to get a hold of it, the more you grasp and struggle, the more likely it will explode or slip out of your hands. The only way to maintain control of the balloon is to open your hand, let it sit in your palm and let go. This idea of letting go of a situation can be a real challenge for hard charging New Yorkers. Easing up on ourselves can feel like we’re giving up, waving the white flag and saying, “We’re not good parents.”
On the contrary, the best parents know that it’s ok to mess up. There is a great relief in deciding to let it ride and to accept ourselves with all of our flaws as parents. After all, how can we teach our kids to love themselves as they are if we can’t demonstrate the same of ourselves?
Olivia Bergeron is a licensed clinical social worker who runs Mommy Groove Therapy & Support, specializing in post partum depression and related symptoms for New York City-based mothers.
Website: mommygroove.com
Parents and the City 